I don't know if any other parents ever ponder this ... but being a divorced parent, I wonder how my children feel about it ... what impact that has had on their lives. Dr. Laura talks of divorced parents living near each other for the benefit of the children ... I moved away. It was the only way I felt to reduce the conflict between their mother and myself. To quit trying to tear the children each way.
Before I moved, one of the kids drew a picture that was very revealing ... it was of a bass boat sitting on water ... which left a lot of empty space in the picture ... so I asked, "what else?" And the child drew a live well in the boat with some small fish in it. "Is there anything down in this big expanse of water?" And the child drew an eel and some fishes. Right smack in the middle was a little fish ... facing the little fish on each side were two big fish ... with their mouths open and sharp teeth showing. Wow! Like one of those art therapy things ... Mom & Dad and the little fish in the middle ...
Aren't families weird and wonderful?
When I moved away, their mother was married to a really good guy. I figured that would make about as normal a life as they would get. Without the constant conflict between their Mom & I tearing at them.
They survived ... they are grown and married ... and seem to be good productive people. I wonder if my moving away helped their lives? ... or damaged them? Most children of divorce seem to have this hope that their Mom & Dad will get back together. I know that this will never happen. What are the long-term repercussions?
As one of my grandchildren said, when I went to visit and they were told that I was their father's father, "Daddy already has another father." And there you have it.
4 comments:
I totally love the picture, and your writing created and amazing visual picture in my head. Sorry I don't know the answer to any of life's questions... But isn't the big brother suppose to know.
Pops,
I can say as I look back that you probably did a good thing moving away. Jim was the stabilizing influence that mom and us kids needed. There was a lot going on in the interpersonal relationships between you, us, mom, arline. A lot of things said and done in anger, denial, misguided attempts, bad communication, etc.
and yes, we do have 2 dads. Jim is our dad too. There are many things that have happened in my life that he handled differently than you would have. He gets credit for helping me be who I've become, just as you and mom do. I love you both though, and you will always be my "pops" because no one else can be.
Being the oldest I spent more time with you than the others and I still treasure that time. As with any relationship, I don't always agree with what you do or how you do it and I often get frustrated or just scoff at the choices you make. But I still love you and as I have grown older and have had kids, it's easier to understand some of the choices or actions that you and arline took. Once I got out all my anger and frustration at you both out, a couple years ago, my heart felt lightened and I am able to forgive what I think are trespasses. Since then I have tried to build a better relationship between you two and me and I think we have succeeded. I'm even to the point that if you were to die before her, that she would still be grandma M to my kids. I hope this helps in reguards to me and maybe a little insite to what some of the others have felt. I love you.
anna
All I have to say right now (because I need to go to bed while the munchkin is passed out) is what I learned from my Opa. We are family. It doesn't matter how we're related or how it came about, we are family. =]
Wow. Well, I don't think it's a good idea to worry about "what might have beens."
I was raised good. Would like to have seen more of you. That's about it.
Love you.
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